Grieving Who You Used To Be

Thirteen years ago – I signed up for a 10k on a whim. Little did I know how much running would later become a part of my life and my identity.

And then a freak injury changed everything.

The Grief No One Talks About

I was shuttled to the ER in the middle of the night. The pain was unbearable. I was even held an extra night.

Injuries suck. We all hear about the pain. The rehab. The setbacks.

But what no one talks about is the grief.

The grief of losing a version of yourself that was built over years. And knowing it was all taken away – not by choice – but by accident.

I think what hurts the most is simply the ache of what could have been.

Acceptance

I still work through the 5 stages of grief.

But one surprise I didn’t expect was the new sense of perspective.

Instead of tying running to arbitrary numbers — a sub-3 marathon, a 100k ultra, a 5 minute mile — I’ve become more aware of what running has truly meant to me all these years.

It was never about chasing the next milestone.

It was the joy of movement. The love of training. The community. Following the process. And showing up each day even when it was hard.

None of which has changed after my injury.

From Pace To Presence

Loss has a strange way of teaching you what truly matters.

It’s like those who have a near-death experience and come back filled with awe, gratitude, and renewed appreciation for all things life.

Running may look different for me today. But I realize it can still be as deep and meaningful.

As I stood in the corral of the Tokyo Marathon earlier this year, my mind wasn’t on pace or finish time.

I was simply overcome with gratitude – celebrating that I had made it to another starting line — healthy, capable, and thrilled for the journey ahead.

Going Forward

My biggest takeaway from this experience is that “coming back” is not about reclaiming who I used to be.

That chapter has come and gone.

And now, it’s about being present for this one – while still honoring everything that was.

Perhaps healing isn’t about avoiding the pain or forgetting the past – but simply learning to move forward with it.